The Relationship Center of Jacksonville

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Resources

Methods Backed by Couple & Marriage Research

The Relationship Center of Jacksonville, Florida, proudly uses the more research-backed methods to help improve relationships. Both Gottman's methods and emotion-focused counseling are backed by extensive couples' research and marriage research spanning decades. Contact us today to schedule an appointment or to learn more about our methods.

Gottman Couples’ Counseling

John Gottman, Ph.D. is not only the world's foremost researcher on relationships, his style of presenting his fascinating research findings is witty and personable. Making Marriage Work is one of his newest videos on YouTube discussing the highlights of his research, as well as his personal experience.

His most popular books include The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and What Makes Love Last. If you are interested in a weekend experience, you may want to get more information on The Art and Science of Love: A Couple's Weekend Based on Real Research. Drs. John and Julie Gottman present this couples' weekend in Seattle, Washington, and the workshop is also offered in other locations by trained Gottman presenters.


Emotion-Focused Couples Counseling

Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of EFT, has some wonderful, insightful videos at the EFT website. If you scroll down the screen, you will see a large video screen of Dr. Sue Johnson entitled "Sue's Invitation to the Externship." This is geared toward therapists seeking training in EFT. To the left of this video are 4 smaller videos of Sue's on the right-hand side:

  • Hold Me Tight
  • An Update
  • Lovesense: from Infant to Adult (Sue Johnson and Ed Tronick)
  • Soothing the Threatened Brain

Sue’s Work

Underneath these videos is a link that you can click on to watch more of Sue's videos. Couples who read her book, Hold Me Tight: Creating Connections for a Lifetime, find her book to be extremely helpful to the therapy process and their relationships improve more quickly! It is most helpful when you each have your own copy of Hold Me Tight so that you can read at your own pace and answer the questions at the end of each conversation. Dr. Johnson has an excellent DVD set based on Hold Me Tight and these 6 of the 7 conversations:

  • Conversation 1: Recognizing the Demon Dialogues
  • Conversation 2: Finding the Raw Spots
  • Conversation 4: Hold Me Tight — Engaging and Connecting
  • Conversation 5: Forgiving Injuries
  • Conversation 6: Bonding through Sex and Touch
  • Conversation 7: Keeping Your Love Alive

“Hold Me Tight Online” & More

She also has an online version of Hold Me Tight. Below are two other excellent books that couples find helpful. Be sure to buy a couple for each of you so that you have room to answer the questions so that you can share them with each other.

  • An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples by Kallos-Lilly & Fitzgerald
  • Emotion-Focused Therapy for Dummies by Bradley & Furrow
  • An Emotion-Focused Therapy Roadmap for Couples — Many couples find this "roadmap" helpful in understanding the therapy process.

EFT Therapy

The article below is reprinted with permission from the authors, Pat LaDouceur and Veronica Kallos-Lilly, from the Spring 2011 ICEEFT Newsletter.

Stage 1: Understand Your Strengths and the Patterns That Keep You Stuck

Step 1: Set goals for counseling; understand some of the ways your relationship history affects your relationship now.

Step 2: Discover and describe the negative patterns of interaction you get stuck in. You and your therapist will track your interactions with your partner and identify where and how your communication breaks down.

Step 3: Emotions are stirred up in your relationship, especially when you get stuck in these negative cycles of interaction. Emotions also drive the cycle. You may first be aware of anger, frustration, anxiety, numbness or even withdrawal. Notice inside what other feelings are beneath these initial feelings, such as hurt, sadness or fear. Begin to share these "underneath" feelings with your partner. It is OK if it feels "bumpy" — it helps diffuse the cycle sometimes, but not always.

Step 4: Describe your cycle and recognize what the triggers are. Understand how the things that you do to protect yourself and your relationship affect and may even threaten your partner. Notice how you co-create the cycle: "we're doing that thing again...the more I go after you, the more you withdraw because you're feeling hurt..." Slow down your conversations so that you can tap into the feelings that are beneath the surface. Catch your own thoughts ("She doesn't care;" "I don't matter") before acting on them. You might notice that you can hold back your knee-jerk reactions to avoid the cycle. You might not know yet how to pull each other close and you might be afraid the "old way" will come back. However, when you discover that this negative cycle is the source of unhappiness in your relationship, you realize that your partner is not the enemy. You can then work together to gain control over this negative cycle and that already feels infinitely better.

Stage 2: Create a New, Intimate Relationship Bond; Change Your Communication Patterns

Step 5: Both of you are now able to talk about your feelings that get triggered by the negative cycle, including things you might not have been able to say before. With less friction and more compassion between you, there is safety to explore your experience more deeply. We all have doubts about ourselves at times and may also have fears about depending on others. You may struggle with personal fears or insecurities in this relationship. You may have had life experiences that make it difficult to trust others to be there for you. With the help of your therapist, you can take turns and begin to share these "raw spots" with your partner. As you take these risks, your partner begins to truly see and understand where you are coming from, which creates empathy.

Step 6: This step involves staying engaged and listening to your partner's disclosures. Your partner may share feelings that take you by surprise. You may feel disoriented or even hurt that you have not heard your partner share so personally like this before. It is OK to experience a mixture of emotions. Start by trying to understand at an emotional level what your partner is saying, without needing to change his/her experience or take responsibility for it yourself. Stay open to the possibility of experiencing and understanding your partner in a new way. Allow yourself to be moved by your partner's new disclosures.

Step 7: Explore what helps you feel deeply connected, what is most important for you in this relationship. In this stage of therapy, your therapist helps you find ways to ask for your needs in the relationship in a way that is both caring and direct. You can lean into and reach for your partner and he/she is able to reach back in a loving way. You have found a new way to relate when one of you feels stressed, hurt or insecure. The bond between you shifts, becoming closer and more intimate. You can check out your perceptions and talk about feelings. You can listen with an open heart, be curious about one another and offer reassurance when needed. Both of you have a felt sense of "being there" for each other.

Stage 3: Use New Communication Patterns to Solve Problems and Maintain Intimacy

Step 8: Revisit old problems or decisions that have been put on hold (e.g., parenting, finances, sex, family issues, health concerns, etc.) while staying emotionally connected. They don't seem as loaded now that you feel heard, valued, close and secure. Focus on staying accessible, responsive, and engaged while talking about practical issues. Together, you can face any of life's challenges more easily.

Step 9: Congratulations! You have reshaped your relationship. Or perhaps this is the first time in your relationship that you have felt a profound bond with one another. You have worked hard to get here, so it's important to celebrate it and put safeguards in place to protect it. Create rituals together that privilege your relationship. Find ways of keeping this new way of relating strong.